


Bone and Jagged Edges

by orbythesea



Category: West Wing
Genre: Fifteen Minute Fic, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-07-11
Updated: 2004-07-11
Packaged: 2017-10-18 22:01:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 426
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/193757
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orbythesea/pseuds/orbythesea
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"She is all bone and jagged edges."  CJ post-Rosslyn.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Bone and Jagged Edges

She is all bone and jagged edges. She is a voice made hoarse by too many cigarettes and hands made shaky by too much vodka and too many caffeine pills. She's been avoiding mirrors for weeks, because she's afraid of what they'll show. Afraid to see the weight Toby tells her she's lost, afraid to see the bags Carol claims have been under her eyes since That Night. She doesn't watch tapes of her briefings. She doesn't want to see the absent look in her eyes when she jokes with the press or hear the huskiness in her voice.

In the shower, she counts her ribs. She doesn't remember if she could count them Before, but lately she's become obsessed with them. Twelve up the left, twelve down the right. Twenty four hours in a day. Twenty four stitches in Josh's abdomen. She counts her ribs and thinks of Josh and lets the water wash those thoughts away.

Her hands feel cold and frail as she matches buttons to holes. Her fingers are too long, too thin, and she has trouble pulling up zippers, fitting the backs onto earrings. She tells herself she's just not getting enough sleep, and she swallows NoDoz with her morning coffee. She tells herself she'll leave the little white pills at home, but they slip into her purse everyday. She's not even aware of swallowing more on her way to the White House.

She keeps her office door closed. She doesn't want to know what's going on out there, doesn't want anyone to see what's going on inside. She is doing her job, she tells herself. She is doing her job, and the country needs her, and with 250 million people counting on her, there's really no time for anything else. She is holding Toby up with both hands, reeling him in and pushing him in all the right directions. Maybe if she can save him, he'll return the favor.

She declines every time Sam suggests a beer after work, but the clerk at Snyder's knows she's coming in for Stoli. She drinks it neat, because the walk to the kitchen for ice and cranberry juice is exhausting. Somewhere between the first and fifth drink, she thinks about asking Leo about his Meeting, but that thought set aside by the sixth, and in the morning, she doesn't remember having thought it at all.

She is all bone and jagged edges, but she does her job, and she does it well, and maybe when everyone else has healed, she will heal herself.


End file.
